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| Orkut 101 |
| Written by Prachit | |
| Saturday, 19 May 2007 | |
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The first in a multi-part series on How to Orkut. In this part, we take a look at Orkut for girls.
Orkut for girls
Congratulations. You’re a girl. Extensive studies have revealed that on average women tend to acquire contacts on social networks in roughly 1/10th the time taken by men (Venkman and Spengler, 1984). There are several reasons behind this but the most significant of the lot is probably the fact that a bit more than half of humanity consists of men who are out to get some. However, to leave it at this would be a grave injustice and we need to proceed for the sake of the scientific process. Lets rock.
While girls come in a variety of shapes, sizes, races etc they can probably be placed in one of two broad categories
If you are hot – congratulations. You have it made. As a hot chick you come in with a few natural advantages because of which the sky is the limit for your networking potential. Firstly, putting up a picture alone will ensure that you get at least 30 scraps/friendship requests a day (Cheech and Chong, 1978) from men (and women) who want to jump your bones. You can leave your profile empty, just put up that picture and you will still get scraps from people who are surprised at how much they have in common with you. The second advantage is that all the men who want to jump you in real life but have to make do with being friends will follow you onto orkut and immediately add you as a friend. Basically your flock of real life admirers is gonna follow your sweet ass right onto orkut. If you are not hot – in real life you’re screwed. Well, so are the hot chicks but in your case it will take the magic of arranged marriage and/or desperation to make it happen. But don’t fret. Thanks to the magic of the internet you too have a chance to form some sort of a relationship with a man. Sure both of you will probably be scrapping endearments back and forth while browsing the each other’s friend lists for better looking possibilities but it is better than going to bed cold and lonely and crying yourself to sleep every night.
The following guide will cover some of the basic elements of your orkut profile.
The Picture This is easily the most important part of your orkut profile. The thing you need to keep in mind is that every woman has at least one camera angle where they come off looking somewhat doable or on occasion even fairly attractive. If you are on the chubby side go for a headshot, if you have a zit on one side of the face get a profile pic of the other side, if half of your face looks like it melted away in an unfortunate acid throwing incident
Get your hair to carelessly fall over and cover that half. If your entire face looks like it melted away in an unfortunate acid throwing incident you can always go for the same look as the evil little girl from The Ring.
Popular themes for photographs of ugly people include mysterious, enigmatic, intriguing and other shit which involves keeping the ugly parts in shadow.
Of course, this might prove to be somewhat expensive since you will probably need the services of a professional photographer to get the angle just right. However it’s better if you think of any expenditure you might incur as an investment. Even if the pics don’t work on orkut they will come in use later when you decide to go in for an arranged marriage. Oh, and should all else fail – Photoshop.
About you The content of your profile is as important as the picture which goes with it. Over time men will become wary of women with cleverly lit photographs and it’s best to lull them into a false sense of security right from the start. The trick is to put up a whimsical description of yourself.
Typically any sentence with at least 4 of the following words should do Night Stars Moon Light Shadow Child Time Sands Wind Hair Deserted Speck
Eg. About me - A child of night sitting on a moonlit beach watching the sands of time swirling in the wind. Despite being shallow buggers men like to think there is more to them than an obsession with T&A. This gives them the opportunity to believe that they are actually hitting on a free spirit who just happens to look like your professionally taken hot ass picture.
Interested in Do NOT select “dating (men)”. You do that and your average male’s train of thought shall go thusly Dating (men) -> desperate + Hot pic. ?? Divide by Zero! Does not compute! Alarm bells go off *Clang! Clang! Clang! (with red lights flashing) In short – ze jig will be ze up.
Orientation Go with straight. If you want a really big reaction just select ‘bisexual’. Be careful though. It might be somewhat hard to deal with the 400-500 scraps you will be receiving each day. This will also include scraps from guys who have their dicks as their display images.
Sports This is slightly tricky. You don’t want to type “I m lazy 2 paly sports” because even men of meagre intelligence will figure out you are a fat tub of lard. However, you don’t want to write kho kho or kabbaddi either (open DD sports to see why). The same holds for Olympic weight lifting and other sports where female competitors have adam’s apples. Take your pick of running, swimming and basketball. This covers all sports where your legs are on display without any accompanying masculine grunting. Oh and Beach Volleyball is fine, volleyball is not. And take care, if you combine gymnastics with bisexual you’ll probably be responsible for mass tendonitis as men scramble to write you scraps and send friend requests.
Political View You will probably notice that this does not include BJP, Congress or DMK. Since you probably have no clue what the other choices mean I highly recommend the “left liberal”. Basically it implies you care about social issues but no one knows enough about this to ask any embarrassing questions.
Fashion Doesn’t matter. You aren’t picking up gay men.
Pets You like pets. As a whimsical person who likes sitting on moonlit beaches while watching sand fly you really can’t afford to be an asshole to animals.
Humour The look on their faces when they finally see you in real life should be enough.
Stay tuned for
Also read: Top 5 things I hate about malls
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