Since the first part of our How to Orkut guide had such a tremendous reaction, here's the inevitable follow up - Orkut for guys.

Now, a guy on Orkut is invariably there for one of the following reasons:

   
1.    Takes sadistic pleasure in picking on random twats.
2.    Signed up by mistake, thinking the site name meant ‘Anal Whore’ in Bongonese and salivated at the prospect of more free porn.
3.    Was pestered relentlessly by annoying people to join, and figured it would be less trouble than hiring an assassin.
4.    Had a sudden urge to seek out vague acquaintances from the past, conveniently forgetting the very reason why they hadn’t bothered to keep in touch since.
5.    Imagines it may be easier to score with chicks in a world that discriminates solely by profile pics and language skills.

 Specimen 1: The Cyber Sadist

Ok, if you fit this description, you probably write for us anyway, so stop reading this and get back to work. We need more kvlt articles already!

Specimen 2: The Porn Hound

So you wanted boobs and got noobs instead? Fear not, where there’s lots of people, some of them are bound to be as depraved as you. Search for naughty parts/items that catch your fancy (just remember to disambiguate with search terms or you could face situations like having to go through several pictures of flaming donkeys before hitting paydirt). And you never know, you may find a community of like-minded … er … donkey aficionados. This should give you opportunity to take time off from watching porn and having informed discussions about it between viewings. However, respect the ‘glass wall’ boundaries of fellow pervs, and do not go around offering tidbits such as “2 hnds r btr den 1 lol !!1”.

The key to handling profile information is subtlety. Though you may be tempted to use a picture of Tera Patrick doing the nasty as your profile photo, it’s clearly not what a savvy raincoat-wearing individual such as yourself should be doing. Instead, have headshots of people like Ron Jeremy or John Holmes. While these seem innocuous to regular people, someone who is wise to the sports of the flesh will recognise it right off the bat and say “Ah, here is a man after my own heart!” Similarly, avoid mentioning titles like ‘Barely Legal #16’ in your favourite movies list and go with stuff like ‘Pirates’. That way, if ever quizzed about it, you can always go “The one with Jack Sparrow – like, duh!”

For example, here's a chap who's a bit of a stranger to tact:

Avoid going down that road. It is possible that after all this careful planning that you may receive scraps from people who neglected to notice the ‘German Midget Scat Sex!’ in your communities list (we’ll talk about that later), and they might go “hey nice profile wassup?” Don’t reply with a photo of your genitals! Even though they probably deserve it. Restraint goes a long way in keeping your Orkut porn outings a respectable affair.