Have you ever watched a movie, then told your friends what you thought about it, only to have them laugh at you? Have you experienced feelings of inadequacy upon hearing others use phrases like 'vivid montages', 'nihilistic', 'stark juxtapositions', 'microcosmic' or 'leitmotif', and having no idea what they mean? Have you ever felt insignificant after having your opinions dismissed offhand, with no means of defending them?

Fret no more (unless you're a guitarist), because your days of looking like a chump are coming to an end. With KvltSite's detailed guide, you'll be able to progress from clueless to coolness in a matter of days. We've also provided the various stages of critical competence, just so you know where you stand right now, and what you can aspire to. Here we go.

Rule 1: First, be sure to refer to the phenomenon as cinema: Tamil Cinema, Hindi Cinema, Kannada Cinema, Malayalam Cinema.

Rule 2: Start using the director's name along with the movie. For example, you don't say, "I watched Click and it fucking sucked, man". Instead, say, "I just watched Adam Sandler's Click...." and then everyone will know you mean business.

Rule 3: Call it a film; stop referring to it as a movie or a flick. How'd you expect anyone to respect your opinion with trashy language like that?

Rule 4: The book is always better, even if you've never read it.

Rule 5: Rest assured, the sequel can never be a match to the first one. If people start mentioning The Godfa...sorry, Francis Ford Coppolla's The Godfather II or James Cameron's T2, use your trump card and say that they leeched off the original's concepts and inspiration and barely brought anything new to the table.

Rule 6: Make sure you talk about camera angles, since that's what experts do. It makes a hell of a lot of difference where the image of a man slipping on a banana peel is taken from. For example, if it's a profile, it's slapstick. If it's an overhead medium-range shot, it's a dissection of apathy. If it's from below, it's drama.

Rule 7: It’s never just a drama movie. It’s a poignant, heartfelt, sweeping drama film. Unless it sucks so bad that you can't hide it, in which case it's a cheap tacky attempt to be a poignant, heartfelt, sweeping drama film.

Rule 8: Be sure to memorize these names: Fellini, Godard, Kurosawa, Tarkovsky, Bergman. Whenever you feel your movie mojo dropping in the middle of a conversation, mentioning them is an advisable course of action. Of course, ensure that you are maximising their utility.

Effective usage: "The film had shades of Fellini's warmth, but it was held in check by restraint worthy of Kurosawa."

Ineffective usage: "I have a dog called Bergman. He fellini ditch yesterday."

Rule 9: A liberal dose of geometry will embellish your reviews. Discuss triangular lighting patterns, polygonal relationships and circular plots to cover all the angles.

Rule 10: If an established filmmaker incorporates bad camerawork/shaky cam/grainy b&w in his films, call it cinéma vérité. Else, dismiss it as an amateur home video. If the movie goes on to be widely acclaimed, stick to your guns. Being contrarian will probably boost your credibility a bit.

Rule 11: Refer to the man as an 'auteur', not a director. Learn how to pronounce it properly, lest somebody points out that otters don't even have opposable thumbs.

Rule 12: Research the religious background of said auteur and connect it to all the films he's made. Then speculate on a pattern emerging through his filmography and put it forward either in the review of his latest film, or if he's dead, in a DVD commentary.

Rule 13: If applicable, use the director's background as the son of a Lutheran Minister as an influence on everything he does.

Rule 14: Rule 13 works especially well if it turns out that the director's father was actually a sporting good company's truck driver in Wisconsin, at which point you nod wearily and say, "Yes, he would say that, wouldn't he?"

Rule 15: When short of ideas, meaningless, market-savvy buzzwords will do the trick well enough. Psychological thriller, edge-of-your-seat action, bittersweet romance - these and many more are tried and trusted methods not to impart any actual information to your audience, but will comfort them with their familiarity.

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