It took us a week to figure out what to ask when Doug gave us the go-ahead for the interview, and it took him a few hours to hit reply. Stanhope can beat most nerds at the internet game – he’s got his own personal website, blog, myspace, a book on baiting, and an internet forum where fellow unbookables troll the trolls. 

Comedian Doug Stanhope is not quite an A-lister on the Interweb, but he surely deserves an honorary membership at the EFF for his rants against internet censorship. Here’s an unedited version of our email interview because this intro took too long for me to write. 

Greetings Doug,

We at Kvltsite.com share your bleak world view and in a sense relate to your sense of disappointment at the slow erosion of personal freedoms and the templatization of everything and everyone. It seems like humans all over the world are subject to increasing totalitarianism and control, and in places where they aren't, they subscribe to monoculture like herd animals. The meek and the stupid will inherit the earth, and the mean will rule it. In America everyone's a slave to the capitalist machinery. In the Middle East, religion defines their way of life, and in China, the state owns you. I know these are extreme generalizations, but it's a horrible time to be alive Doug, and this isn't much of a question anymore. Let me try again.

You are given a warm tropical island to build a utopia. You have to compete with other islands around you who are aggressive dogmatic fuck heads. What would you do to protect your utopia, and ensure its continued success?

Hang on... I know I have the answer to creating and nurturing a long-lasting utopia in one of these notebooks... hold on... nope, that's the cure for cancer... here's the meaning of life but... shit, I can't find it.

My guess would be that a utopian society would eventually include some more entertaining versions of what our government does now - create illusionary fears and obstacles for it's people to overcome in order to keep them mentally occupied and instill a sense of balance. You know - without ugly there's no such thing as beauty, etc, blah blah blah.

You'd also have to remove shitheads from your island - an impossibility seeing as how I cannot get through a day without thinking that I myself am an evil cunt, much less complete society of folks.

In America, fossil fuel has replaced slavery, which has given rise to a boom in the leisure class, of which you are the patron saint. Will individuality suffer once all that oil is sucked out? Is any kind of cultural renaissance possible without slavery and suffering of a large class of people? Do you worry much about these things?

I think you've stumbled into that trap that some others have where you believe I am far more intelligent than I really am. Imagine you posed these questions in a rapid-fire, coke-fueled barrage while we were sitting at Elmo's getting shitty in the afternoon. I turn my head towards you, greasy-eyed and seahorse posture and say "How the fuck do I know?"

 
Your last few albums seem influenced by Howard Bloom, am I correct in this assumption or am I reading into your monologue too deeply?

Good probability. I read Lucifer Principle and remember quoting parts of it out loud to whoever was near me to listen. I thought it was brilliant. Unfortunately my brain in a spaghetti strainer and I retain little or nothing cognizantly of what I read. I know a good deal of the book flew right in the face of beliefs I held previously (if not strongly) but I couldn't tell you how much was a direct influence.

 
You've often said that pot "never worked" for you. What there to not like about pot?

It makes my mouth taste like shit. It makes food taste like shit. It makes cigarettes taste like shit and anything that ruins cigarette smoking ruins my day. Plus, more often than not I felt that I was high differently than the people around me, that they were laughing at things I didn't understand and visa versa.

 
How's it working out, living in the fringe of America? Why did you make the move? Do you miss living in the cities?

I get a bit antsy after a while here but it's rare that I'm here for more than a few weeks without leaving for the road again. But I get that way no matter where I am. I'm like a shark - I have to keep moving or I will become moribundly anti-social and drink myself to death on the couch.

 
You've done drugs for 18 years, talked about it openly, yet you've never been busted by cops. How? Are you just lucky?

I'm repeating one of my bits but it holds your answer - Do drugs, just don't "have" drugs. Do em quickly, hand-to-mouth when offered. Fortunately I'm in a business where -if done well -I don't have to purchase them. Besides, my drug use is very sporadic and recreational. Drugs come up in my act often because the occasions that you use narcotics inevitably turn into your best, most stage-worthy stories. But those occasions are still relatively few and far between compared to what one may assume from the mentions.

 
Why is that religion has such a powerful grip on humanity, in spite of everything that science has produced, discovered, and explained?

I'd guess for the same reason that terrorism, bird flu, the lottery and American Idol have such a grip. People don't want to face the real probability that it's gonna be 40 years of 9-5 at the warehouse and then a trailer park in Florida waiting to die without any good stories.

You've had your genitals exposed on the internet, your life stories are described in intimate detail on your website, you have your own forum, you've surfed through labyrinths of internet porn, engaged in deviant cybersex with pedophiles, and you've read nutjob conspiracy theories. You even have a myspace account. Are you passionate, hopeful about the Internet as a medium? How has it influenced your life, your career?

I believe it is a fantastic tool that I have become a slave to. So much information that I do not need yet consume like buffet food with very few nutrients. It's been great so far as allowing me to under-cut corporate media to reach a fan-base and get folks to my shows but it's also provided a fantastic black hole for my sedentary nature. All the time I could be forced to create my own entertainment I can now sit and stare into another screen of infinite channels or feel compelled to reply to every Myspace friend.

Like anything, it's all in how you use it or make it work for you.

You don't have much of a stake in the future in terms of adding to it with your own genepool, but are you hopeful at all?

No, but I'm not sure that I am correct.

Almost every set of yours mocks sad self doubting nerds like us who suffer their mundane, sad jobs. Ever had one of your listeners take your advice seriously? As a motivational speaker for the vaguely dissatisfied, what kind of positive testimonials do you have to offer?

If I had the answer, it would have been part of the bit. And keep in mind that often I am chastizing myself as much as any sales clerk or auto parts distributor. I constantly battle to find ways to make my own job exciting again. If you do anything too long you can get tired of it yet continue to do it because of the ease and familiarity involved.

 
MTV Youth Icon and former president of India, Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam asked a Web 2.0 audience: What should we do to free our planet from terrorism? I come to you looking for an interesting answer.

Act like you're broke. That keeps friends and family at arms length. It can only keep your enemies farther.

 

Links

Review of Deadbeat Hero
Review of No Refunds