1) Everybody Hurts – REM

Probably the most definitive song of the 90s. Everybody Hurts. That's right. EVERYBODY. Whiny self pitying garbage lyrics that just about every retard could relate to. (And most retards did. In fact if you relate to this song..., you are probably a retard. and a douche) Music that typifies the abomination 'rock' turned into through that waste of a decade, with its feeble acoustic plinkery-plonkery, foreshadowing the awfulness of Jack Johnson and his ilk. If Stipe had a 'metal' stagename if would probably be Lackey Balless. This song shows you just why.

Strangely enough, the fans of the band that created this banality imagine themselves to be a very eclectic bunch. This song is about as LCD as it gets. It's no more eclectic than Jethji Dupahari Mein Paon Jale Hain. (In fact one could argue that song is MORE eclectic seeing as it appeals primarily to the Jethji demographic)

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2) Satisfaction – The Rolling Stones

In a career that has traversed the introduction and extinction of no less than THREE formats of music delivery, the statistical odds are that there are at least a dozen songs by The Rolling Stones that ought to be really fucking brilliant. I'd be hard pressed to name these though, cause just about everything I've heard by these guys is awfully mediocre - except the Her Satanic Majesty's Request album which in any case was ripping off Sgt Peppers. 

People keep marveling at the longevity of The Rolling Stones but its hardly surprising if you actually listen to the music - geriatric, dull lo-fi rock. Charlie Watts may be over 70 now but he's ALWAYS been playing the drums like he was over 70. Keith Richards and Ronnie Wood are among the most tiresome and banal guitarists to have ever walked the planet. Mick Jagger prances about alright (credit where its due) but is a horribly limited vocalist.

One wonders just how the Stones would have turned out if Michael Schenker had joined in the 1970s. Would he have bludgeoned his way into making them a worthwhile band? Or would they have killed him dead depriving us of awesomeass albums like Assault Attack, the first two MSG albums and even Perfect Timing? I'm glad that we will never know.

Anyway, of all the superdull songs the Stones have been inflicting on the world, none is more egregious than Satisfaction. The most boring fucking riff on earth is played with no discernible variations for what feels like twice the duration of Yes's Tales from The Topographic Oceans. It's got asinine yells of 'Hey Hey Hey!', a pathetic attempt to evoke enthusiasm that hits the spot appealing as it does to the feeble minded and the terminally douchey who live for making meaningless sounds. Never has so little sounded like so much and so terrible. Except maybe the entire discography of The Sex Pistols.

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3)  Roadhouse Blues – The Doors

Ages back, I was getting my tits bored right off me at some advertising related function that had a Catlick wedding band doing sappy pop hits all night long. Suddenly the guitarist who was one of these metchul looking characters who ... seemed very sad and discomfited in formal evening wear, announced, "Okay people were are going to play some rock now!" And fired up a very, very familiar bone crunchingly heavy riff. I was amazed. These fuckers were actually going to play Walk by Pantera!

And then the vocalist grabbed the mike and whimpered "Keep your eyes on da road the hand upon your Weear!" That's the closest I ever got to liking Roadhouse Blues. When it was being cocked up by a band to such a large extent, I thought I was listening to an infinitely better song.

The Doors have more than their fair share of really shitty tracks. The Alabama Song, Love Me Two Times, LA Woman ... but Roadhouse Blues wins the moron sweepstakes hands down. A tired generic blues riff. The harmonica, an instrument beloved only of sadists, professional torturers at Guantanamo Bay and tone deaf singers like Bob Dylan. Lyrics that make you stupider every time you hear them. And that line beloved of retards all over the world "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer!"

In many pubs, the DJ generally brings this intolerable song to a grinding halt at this point and the patrons are forced to scream this line over and over, like prisoners in a gulag undergoing some bizarre re-education programme. I've actually walked out of places where this has happened, and on occasion passed them by several years later only to see the same people, in the same clothes at the same tables, screaming the same lines, caught in a time warp they are unwilling and unable to escape from. Fuck them. Incidentally if you've EVER sung along to "I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer!", feel free to add me on facebook and then defriend me. Douche.

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